Lifestyle
I Almost Lost Everything I Had Worked Hard For Because Of An Abusive Relationship
Ken was peculiar in every sense of the word. At first glance, you would see that he was completely different from most men. He had an eccentric fashion sense which I noticed almost immediately and when he spoke, he had conviction. He was also much older than me – more than a decade – and seemed to be an influential figure in society. It was very easy to get drawn to him, especially for me since I’m attracted to intelligent men.
“I love seeing a young lady driving a nice car.” he shouted from the front as I waited behind him to fuel my car at the petrol station.
“Thank you.”
I was surprised that he thought I had a nice car when he drove a G-Wagon, but I appreciated the compliment. I had worked hard for so long and my car was a reward for all the sacrifices I had made.
After he finished fueling his car, he drove ahead and parked then got out and came towards me. I was almost done and was ready to leave but he stood at my window and refused to let me drive.
“Can I get your number? I promise I won’t bother you. I just want to know more about you.” He explained in a hurry.
I knew that he wouldn’t leave if I didn’t give him my number, so I took his phone and typed my number then handed it back to him.
“I’m Ken, by the way.” He said as I drove off.
“Emily,” I replied though I wasn’t sure if he heard.
He messaged me shortly after saying:
“I hope to see you soon, Emily.”
I smiled to myself not knowing that was the beginning of my problems.
Ken and I talked nearly every day on the phone. We kept making plans to meet for coffee but we both had busy schedules that kept colliding. Finally, we were able to meet in person two weeks later.
Ken immediately stopped what he was doing and stared at me as I walked in the cafe.
“Is something wrong?” I asked, knowing perfectly well why he was staring.
“Damn, I didn’t expect you’d look like this in casual clothes.” He said.
“Please. It’s not a big deal.”
“You look amazing. I don’t even know what to say. My mind is blank.”
“What kind of coffee do you like?” I said, trying to spark a conversation.
“Black with no sugar.”
“What? You’re a psycho. I like sweet things. My favourite coffee is caramel macchiato.”
“That’s not coffee. That’s a refreshment. Coffee is supposed to wake you up.”
“Okay. Just don’t judge my order. I’ve already warned you.”
We were quiet for a while as we looked through the menu, but I could see Ken glancing at me occasionally.
“Do you have kids?” he asked, which took me by surprise.
I wasn’t sure where the question was going either but I decided to engage him.
“No.” I answered.
“Good. Don’t have any.”
I laughed because I didn’t expect such a comment during a coffee date. Those were questions couples ask each other after months of dating.
“What did kids do to you?” I asked playfully.
“Nothing. I just think they are a liability.” he answered.
While I didn’t share the same opinion on kids being a liability, I was relieved to finally meet a successful man who didn’t want to repopulate the earth.
“Well, I don’t think I’m going to have any.”
“That’s a good decision.”
Meeting a man who also didn’t want kids was rare. Throughout most of my romantic relationships, I felt an immense pressure to have kids even though I had my reservations about it. I came from a dysfunctional family which made me promise myself that I would never bring children into such a mess.
Since every man I met wanted children, I was prepared to live as a single, childless woman for the rest of my life. However, the more I got to know Ken, the more I thought he would be my partner for life.
After our wonderful date, we left the cafe and went back to our cars. We bid each other goodbye, and Ken didn’t text me again until later that evening asking if I got home safe. Since I saw his text message a bit late, I thought that calling him would be better.
The phone rang but he didn’t pick up. He then called me back a few minutes later.
“Hi.” I heard his deep voice which made me blush even without knowing.
“Hi. What are you doing?”
“Nothing. I miss you already.” He answered.
Like always, we talked for more than an hour before I realized how late it was.
“Wow, it’s so late. I need to sleep. I have a busy day tomorrow.”
“Okay. We’ll talk tomorrow. Have a good night.”
“Okay. Goodnight.”
The following day, he woke me up early in the morning with a request.
“Can I send you something to your office?” He asked.
“What?”
“Don’t worry. It’s a surprise but I promise you’ll like it.”
I sent him my work address and by the time I got to the office, I had a delivery waiting for me. It was a slice of cake, a caramel macchiato and a bouquet of flowers with a note that read:
“Have a lovely day, beautiful.”
It became a common thing for him to send random gifts to my workplace until my colleagues started asking who Ken was.
“He’s a friend.” I’d tell them.
Ken and I kept in touch over the phone but never met in person. Then, he ambushed me with a hangout plan.
“Hey. Can I come over to your place and make you dinner?” He asked.
It was a Friday, and I was looking forward to winding down with a glass of wine and a Netflix show as I always did. However, the thought of having company over sounded better. So, I accepted Ken’s offer.
“Of course. I’ve been dying to try your food.” I answered enthusiastically.
“Perfect. Send me the pin. I’m on my way.” He said.
He arrived shortly after.
“Wow, how do you look beautiful even in a dera and no makeup?” He asked.
“Stop. You make me blush like a little schoolgirl.” I said as I let him in.
He put the grocery bags on the floor, which I picked up and took to the kitchen as he removed his shoes.
He joined me in the kitchen, unpacked the bags and started preparing our dinner. I couldn’t help but watch in awe as he concentrated on the dish. At some point, I moved to the living room to give him space. We conversed lightly as he did his magic in the kitchen and nearly two hours later, he emerged with two plates of Pilau served with kachumbari.
My mouth was watering just from the smell. He exceeded my expectations.
As we had dinner, I decided to make him feel uncomfortable the way he did during our first coffee date.
“So, what’s your opinion on abortion?” I asked with a mouthful of food.
“Wow. Let me enjoy my dinner.” He said jokingly, then continued. “I think women should have the right to choose if they want to have one and they should have access to safe methods of abortion.”
I was speechless. I had never heard an older African man support abortion, and I didn’t know whether to be happy or worried. However, I knew that I had met my match.
“You’re really one of a kind,” I said in awe.
Thank you, hun. Why did you ask about abortion?”
“Well, you said that you didn’t want kids so I wanted to know whether you would be okay if a woman had an abortion because she was pregnant with your child.”
“I don’t have to worry about that. I have a vasectomy.” He revealed.
I didn’t know what to say but I had a lot of questions. We didn’t get intimate that night. However, Ken became a regular visitor and after a few visits, I felt comfortable sleeping with him. We used protection the first couple of times but when the relationship got serious, we stopped. We did get tested first.
The following months were blissful. It was like he was the missing piece in my life, and I had finally found it. He said and did all the right things without asking for anything in return.
However, I made the mistake of believing that life couldn’t go wrong. I thought that my stars had finally aligned, and I got the man I had been waiting for. Maybe I did and something went wrong along the way or maybe I let my guard down and didn’t notice any red flags or ignored them if I did.
***********************************************************
All hell broke loose when we celebrated our one-year anniversary. That night, Ken became the monster that I lived with for almost 2 years.
The change was seemingly triggered by the return of an ex into my life. When we went out to dinner to celebrate our anniversary, I bumped into an ex who was happily married and accompanied by his lovely wife. We exchanged a few pleasantries, and he went on with his night. However, Ken could not stop asking about him.
“What does he do for a living?” He asked angrily.
“He’s a banker.”
“Why did you break up?”
“He wanted a family.”
“Why did you hug him right now?”
“I was just being friendly.”
“Friendly?” He asked sarcastically then laughed.
The argument ended as fast as it started so I thought that things were okay between us. However, it was a different story when we returned home.
I had barely opened the door when Ken pushed me in, shut the door and grabbed me by my hair.
“You think I don’t know why you’re doing it? You think you can cheat on me after I have put up with your moody, nasty attitude for a whole year?”
“What are y…”
I hadn’t finished my statement before I felt a heavy slap on my face. Once I recovered from the shock, I looked at Ken who was staring at me with bloodshot eyes. I felt like I was looking at the devil. He didn’t say anything, just continued beating me senselessly.
I was still in shock hours after the beating. I couldn’t believe that Ken of all people had laid his hands on me. None of my exes had ever abused me, yet the man I thought was an angel sent from heaven had done the unimaginable.
I kept the incident to myself since I thought it was a one-time thing. Ken didn’t speak about it either. He acted like nothing had happened but the tension in the house was too obvious to ignore.
“I think you should leave.” I finally said to Ken after three days of avoiding each other.
“Where do you want me to go?”
“I don’t know but you can’t stay here.”
“Why? Do you want to bring another man?”
“Which man?”
“The men that you entertain yet they can’t marry you.”
“Can you stop making up things?”
“Shut up!” He bellowed then slapped me. “In fact, I wonder why I’m with you. There are so many other women who are much better than you.”
“Then leave.” I yelled and was met with another slap which turned to blows and kicks.
Instead of leaving, Ken kept bringing his things to my place. Eventually, the closet was full of his clothes, and he completely took over my place. The beatings became a weekly occurrence, but I still didn’t tell anyone. I tried to keep my voice down so the neighbours wouldn’t know what was going on, but they would look at me strangely when I left the house, so I knew they knew. The makeup did an excellent job of covering the bruises, but my eyes couldn’t hide the pain.
Whenever a friend asked why I was not as bubbly as usual, I would lie that my work was getting hectic. Eventually, I stopped meeting them because I knew they would find out sooner or later.
Ken took over my life completely. He controlled how I was using my money, went through my phone every day and only allowed me to leave the house when I was going to work. Every night, Ken would beat me senseless then pin me on the ground and sexually assault me.
Eventually, I had to quit my job since I was in so much pain both emotionally and physically that I couldn’t perform my duties properly.
I started feeling sick which I assumed was due to the beating. However, I woke up one day and I was unable to come out of bed, so I knew I had to seek medical attention.
Since I knew that Ken wouldn’t let me go anywhere, much less a hospital, I reached out to one of my friends, Derrick, to come and get me. I knew that he would come to my rescue even though we hadn’t talked in years.
“Is everything okay? I’m so surprised to hear from you.” He replied.
“Please come and pick me up from my place. I’ll explain everything later.”
Within a few minutes, he texted me that he was outside my apartment.
“Knock on the door and tell the man who opens that you’re here to pick me.”
He did what I asked, and I could already hear a commotion in the living room.
“Emily!” Ken yelled but I didn’t respond.
The two argued for a few minutes as I packed a small suitcase of clothes.
I finally came to the living room dragging my suitcase and saw the shock on Ken’s face.
“What’s going on?”
“I’m leaving!” I answered angrily.
He tried to grab my hand, but I gave him a look that made him back off. Derrick helped me remove the suitcase as Ken stood by and watched. I grabbed my car keys and walked out of the apartment.
The drive was quiet as I processed everything that had happened for the past 2 years. We stopped at a restaurant to get something to eat, and I opened up to Derrick about what I had gone through.
He assured me that the worst was over but that was far from reality. The worst had just begun.
That same night, I checked into a hotel room and my symptoms got worse. I assumed that it was my body simply breaking down from exhaustion since I couldn’t remember the last time, I had a good night’s rest. I decided to sleep to see if I would feel better the following day.
It was worse. I could barely open my eyes, and I felt extremely nauseous. I forced myself to wake up and freshen up then went to a nearby hospital to get treatment.
The doctor gave me a pregnancy test even though I insisted that I couldn’t be pregnant.
“Take it just in case.” She said.
I took it and to my surprise, it was positive. Of course, I thought that it was wrong, so I took another one which came back positive as well.
I wondered which kind of prank the universe was playing on me. The last thing I needed at that time was a baby and much less with the man who had abused me for years.
Even if I decided to keep the baby, I wasn’t prepared in any way to take care of a child. I had just left an abusive relationship. I was isolated and I didn’t have a source of income. The first thing I needed was to get my feet on the ground.
I went back to the hotel room to think how it was possible and what to do next.
“It can’t be.” I kept telling myself. “Ken told me he got a vasectomy so how is it possible for me to get pregnant? Did he lie to me? Did he reverse the vasectomy?”
After thinking about it for a while, I realized that it didn’t matter how I got pregnant. I had to find a solution as soon as possible.
“Should I get an abortion?” I asked myself.
I thought about it the whole night and when I woke up the following morning, I was sure about my decision to get an abortion.
Once again, I dragged myself out of bed, freshened up and went out. I found an isolated pharmacy and decided to ask if they sold abortion pills.
The man first looked at me and pretended that he didn’t know what I was talking about. I had to explain my situation a couple of times for him to finally agree.
“I’ll call you.” He simply said.
“Okay. Please get it by today.”
Evening came and I still hadn’t gotten a call from the pharmacist. My attempts to reach him were unsuccessful. I was starting to think of other alternatives and growing desperate by the minute.
However, he called me around 9 pm telling me to go and pick up the abortion pills. I got them which I thought would make me happy but when I remembered that I was actually about to have an abortion, my legs would go weak.
No one knew I had an abortion. I got my old job back and simply returned to my old life as if I hadn’t left. Ken, on the other hand, was unable to pay the rent at my place so he was kicked out and the things in the house were sold.
I moved on from that horrible experience, but I promised myself that I wouldn’t get into another relationship. My life was already complete, and I didn’t need another man to put me through what Ken had put me through.
“Emily!” Ken yelled but I didn’t respond.
The two argued for a few minutes as I packed a small suitcase of clothes.
I finally came to the living room dragging my suitcase and saw the shock on Ken’s face.
“What’s going on?”
“I’m leaving!” I answered angrily.
He tried to grab my hand but I gave him a look that made him back off. Derrick helped me remove the suitcase as Ken stood by and watched. I grabbed my car keys and walked out of the apartment.
The drive was quiet as I processed all the abusive things I had been through for the past 2 years. We stopped at a restaurant to get something to eat and I opened up to Derrick about what I had gone through.
He assured me that the worst was over but that was far from reality. The worst had just begun.
That same night, I checked into a hotel room and my symptoms got worse. I assumed that it was my body simply breaking down from exhaustion since I couldn’t remember the last time I had a good night’s rest. I decided to sleep to see if I would feel better the following day.
It was worse. I could barely open my eyes and I felt extremely nauseous. I forced myself to wake up and freshened up then went to a nearby hospital to get treatment.
The doctor gave me a pregnancy test even though I insisted that I couldn’t be pregnant.
“Take it just in case.” She said.
I took it and to my surprise, it was positive. Of course, I thought that it was wrong so I took another one which came back positive as well.
I wondered which kind of prank the universe was playing on me. The last thing I needed at that time was a baby and much less with the man who had abused me for years.
Even if I decided to keep the baby, I wasn’t prepared in any way to take care of a child. I had just left an abusive relationship. I was isolated and I didn’t have a source of income. The first thing I needed was to get my feet on the ground.
I went back to the hotel room to think how it was possible and what to do next.
“It can’t be.” I kept telling myself. “Ken told me he got a vasectomy so how is it possible for me to get pregnant? Did he lie to me? Did he reverse the vasectomy?”
After thinking about it for a while, I realized that it didn’t matter how I got pregnant. I had to find a solution as soon as possible.
“Should I get an abortion?” I asked myself.
I thought about it the whole night and when I woke up the following morning, I was sure about my decision to get an abortion.
Once again, I dragged myself out of bed, freshened up and went out. I found an isolated pharmacy and decided to ask if they sold abortion pills.
The man first looked at me and pretended that he didn’t know what I was talking about. I had to explain my situation a couple of times for him to finally agree.
”Please help me, sir. My partner has been emotionally, physically and sexually abusive towards me and I can’t have a baby with that man. I simply can’t.” I wept like a baby for a few minutes.
“I’ll call you.” He simply said.
“Okay. Please don’t forget.”
Evening came and I still hadn’t gotten a call from the pharmacist. My attempts to reach him were unsuccessful. I was starting to think of other alternatives and growing desperate by the minute.
However, he called me around 9 pm telling me to go and pick up the abortion pills. I got them which I thought would make me happy but when I remembered that I was actually about to have an abortion, my legs would go weak.
No one knew I had an abortion and I only told my close friends about the abusive experience. I got my old job back and returned to my old life as if I hadn’t left. Ken, on the other hand, was unable to pay the rent to my place so he was kicked out and the things in the house were sold.
I moved on from that horrible experience but I promised myself that I wouldn’t get into another relationship. My life was already complete and I didn’t need another man to put me through what Ken had put me through.
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