Children live in a world where everything is black and white. The younger they are, the less they understand the nuances of consent. This ranges from wanting to play with toys to understanding boundaries with adults. When a child is touched inappropriately, they might not know how to express their discomfort. Worse, they may also not know how what happened was wrong. In addition, when it comes to what they do, they need to know that sometimes adults need space and respect for their property. Children need to learn about consent, outside of sex. Parenting: 5 Tips For Talking To Your Kids About Sex
7 Ways to Teach YOUR children Consent without mentioning SEX.
— Lolo Cynthia (@Lolo_cy) June 16, 2020
How to teach children about consent
1. Teach them how to say no
Children who feel uncomfortable around adults should be allowed to set boundaries. More often, they’re taught that to deny an elder is to disrespect them. However, adults shouldn’t impose their will on a child who doesn’t want to be made uncomfortable. This includes actions like being forced to perform in front of other adults, changing clothes, enforced contact like hugs or kisses, or eating too much food. Adults try to force kids to do what they want and condition the kids to believe that obedience is mandatory, no matter what.
As a child says no, it’s also important for caregivers to teach that when someone says no it must be respected. When they say no to more food because they’re full or refuse to change clothes in front of a stranger, then they’ll also learn to respect when their friends say no. They also learn to respect adults when they say no. Eventually, they learn the importance of mutual respect. How Parents Can Teach Their Children About Healthy Boundaries
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2. Encourage others to ask permission to establish consent
Another way to ensure children learn consent is by showing them that you ask for permission before you go into someone else’s space. For instance, when you’re hugging another child, you can ask them if they want a hug. You can also reinforce this by explaining what you’re doing to make the child understand why communication is always necessary to establish consent. For instance, you can tell them that you’re taking off their shirt so that they can take a bath. This also ensures that people continue to talk with each other when touch is involved.
3. Point out flaws in media
In the modern age, a lot of cultural influence comes from movies and TV shows. When a piece of media shows ambiguous consent like a parent going through a child’s diary for comedy, point out how that’s never ok. Teach your child that they should respect other people’s privacy. Don’t go through people’s drawers, diaries, bags, pockets or anything they consider private. Social media also paints a world where children misbehaving is considered comedy. It’s important to show your kids that they shouldn’t throw tantrums when someone denies them permission. They should be respectful and take that no as a final response rather than an opportunity to argue. You can also use media with teachable moments where children and adults apologise after crossing boundaries.
4. Teach them when to retain or share information
Children don’t know or understand that certain information should remain private. But they should also know that some things shouldn’t remain secret. For example, when an adult forces them to give a hug when they don’t want to, they should let you or any safe adult know immediately. But when asked about what’s happening at home, they should exercise discretion and not share intimate details like a parent having a hard time at work. They should also be taught not to expose personal details like addresses or phone numbers online or to strangers. It’s important for them to also understand this is also for their safety. Parenting: Tips To Help Children Lie Less And Tell The Truth More
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5. Teach boys to be better
Many boys grow up believing that girls exist for their entertainment or service. In homes with many kids, the girls are forced to do domestic labour while the boys are only recruited when physical strength is needed. The boys are also spared the labour of tasks like laundry, cleaning floors, and cooking. This leads to a culture where young men think girls are only worthy of respect if they can do housework and act motherly. This culture can be undone by ensuring boys do their fair share of domestic labour and letting dads or uncles help with all chores. Teach young boys to respect girls and their personal space. Boys can also learn to respect when a girl rejects their attention. Parenting: Age-Appropriate Chores You Can Give To Children To Help Them Learn Responsibility
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6. Let kids learn every day
When you spend time around children, remember that they watch and internalise everything you do. Try to emulate the behaviour you want them to learn. You can show them how to ask for permission by doing it with other adults as well. For example, ask before adding a second helping of food for an adult. You can also demonstrate constant communication. For instance, if a toddler is wearing the wrong shoes, you can tell them, “I’m touching your feet to correct the shoes”. When children see you asking permission, and other adults also follow your example, they’ll also know to respect other people. Children will ask for permission before going into an adult’s bag or room or trying to touch them. Parenting: Key Behaviour To Model For Children
7. Teach them not to touch others without permission
Touch is something that requires consent at all times. Children learn this by watching what adults do. For instance, if you come across someone who is blocking your way, it’s important to politely ask them to move instead of shoving them out of the way. Do this regardless of their age. If they can’t hear you, touch them gently on the shoulder or arm, and when they turn to face you, ask them if they can please move out of the way. Children should also provide consent for tickling and if they don’t want to be, adults should respect that. In turn, children learn that even though some types of bodily contact are harmless fun, they still require permission.
8. Encourage mindful sharing
When kids go out to play, they often have to share toys, swings and other play items. Sometimes, a child will get impatient and try to grab an item from another child. They can also say that that child took too long to pass on the item. Children need to learn that items need to be shared and when taking something from someone else, consent needs to be established. They need to ask nicely or if the other kid is bogarting it, report it to a person of authority. Showing this behaviour to kids is also important. Adults shouldn’t grab items from other people and should always ask politely first when children are present. Parenting: Should You Force Your Children To Share?
9. Teach them collaboration
When making plans that involve other people, children can often mistakenly assume that everyone is available for their day of fun. When making group plans like a birthday party or a group project, they need to understand that other people have plans or other arrangements. Children need to establish consent before demanding other people’s presence or participation. The best way to get consent in such instances is to have them work together with their peers. They can ask them if they’re available on the day of the activity and if they aren’t, work together to come up with a better schedule where everyone can participate.
You can demonstrate this behaviour to them by making plans with other adults in front of them. This way they understand the importance of being mindful of not just other people’s bodies, and property, but also their time.
Check out:
How Parents Can Teach Their Children About Healthy Boundaries
Parenting: 5 Tips For Talking To Your Kids About Sex
Parenting: 6 Tips For Teaching Children About Their Own Boundaries
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